After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
as a side note pls kill me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
