I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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