I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
