tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
