I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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