that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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