its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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