how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
