Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
