I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
