I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was not drunk enough for that final.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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