What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
