I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
