wanna go halves on a baby?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
