"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You dont lie about slip and slides
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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