i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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