I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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