why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
