Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
