booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
