I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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