i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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