and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
