i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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