Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
