I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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