how can u be prego again
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
