He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
