oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
