Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
