god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
