Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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