I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
