So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
