I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
