i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
