Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
