insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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