I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
