Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
