I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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