I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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