Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
