I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
