Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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