A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
