My cat gives me a boner
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
