My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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