im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
