when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
