i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
